Today I feel broken. Not hopeless or helpless, just utterly broken. This journey with Caleb is breaking my heart. I am doing everything in my power to help him out and yet he still struggles. I’m working on getting him in to see a counselor. It breaks my heart that he is so sad and struggling so hard internally to make good choices. I see so much of myself in him and I know what that pain and heartache is like.
However, it is giving me the opportunity to shower him with love. There are still consequences for his negative behavior, but he’s definitely been getting more grace than punishment: he’s been punishing himself enough.
I’m still wresting with guilt. Even though i know in my head that i didn’t cause it and i can’t control it or cure it (see, al-anon principles apply to lots of things…), i’m still going through feelings of insecurity and doubt. What if i had been _____ kind of parent instead. Have my outbursts contributed? Have i been modelling the proper behavior? and the answer is “no, i haven’t”. and there is nothing i can do to change it.