Unpacking Regret

The last several months have been insane.  Growth is a slow process.  Self-awareness can sometimes be a bitch.

This guy i dated my freshman year of high school taught me about not having regrets and moving forward.  Great advice.  It has served me well.  It helped me do for myself and not worry about the consequences for others when i was being taken advantage of.  But it also made me selfish.  It became easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission, so to speak.  And so i pretty much did whatever i wanted.  i cared less and less about what other people thought and i just tucked all of the wounds and hurts away.  i ignored the fact that i didn’t like the person i was becoming because then i would start to feel that guilt and that regret.  So i just moved on through my life as if nothing ever happened.  Ever.

i saw awful truths about myself and did things that today make me sick.  But life was too short to have regrets, so i just promised myself that i would never be that way again and “moved on”.  And then i’d do it again.  And the cycle would continue.

Today i’m in a much better, much different place.  i am not that same broken, selfish, scared person.

But all of those things that i just “moved on” from without regret?  Well, they didn’t ever really go away.  The other day i heard something that really struck a chord.  It was that we don’t just “get over” things, we just figure out where there place is so that they don’t interfere with who we are or where we are today.

So i have some stuff to unpack.  My luggage is spilling over, so to speak.  And i’m a walking contradiction.  Currently i want two things that are in complete contradiction to one another.   And i’m afraid.  i’m afraid that i wasted my life living without regret and now i’ve run out of time to have both of the things i want.

i am not looking forward to the pain of dealing with my past.  But i know that it is necessary.  Searching and fearless moral inventory, ready or not, here i come.

Ramble #3. (Or Ramble for a New Year.)

It’s been entirely too long since I have posted.  Winter break was refreshingly good.  By far the best break we’ve had.  I’m not entirely sure what exactly is different.  Caleb’s changed a lot.  So have I.  We really enjoyed each others company and I didn’t have to (try to) entertain him the whole time.  He still struggles a little with boredom, but today he’s so much better at finding solutions instead of going into a panic.  This relieves me and allowed me to enjoy him.  Nothing was a chore with him like it used to be on breaks.

Also, the last several weeks of classes kicked my butt and I was grateful to spend time away from the computer over MY winter break.  It’s been really nice to have time for leisure reading.  I realized about a week ago (as i downloaded a bunch of free stuff from iBooks) that i still had 4 books that were 3/4 finished.  I finally finished one of them and have vowed not to begin any NEW books until I have them all finished.  I don’t know why i do that.  I’ll get *almost* done with a book and then never finish it.  The nice thing about ebooks is that it’s easy to pick up where you left off. 🙂

I’ve been finding tremendous pleasure in rediscovering all of the stuff i have on iTunes.  According to my status bar, i have 4,849 items, 14.8 days, 33.06GB of music.  i haven’t even listened to half of it, i’m sure.  Some people hoard things.  i hoard music (apparently).

I don’t do New Years’ resolutions, so i can’t really say that this is my New Years’ Resolution, but… i have decided that I am going to finish things.  I’m good at following through on things for other people.  I need to start following through on things for ME.  So i’m going to finish all of those books.  i’m going to listen to all of the as-yet-unlistened-to music on my iTunes (and purge the crap).

ramble #2

i posted a blog the other day.  it got lost in cyberspace.  i guess maybe that’s for the best.  although extremely therapeutic for me, maybe it didn’t belong on the blogosphere.  however, it left me at a loss for words and i ended up not getting my weekly post in.  i’m going to start using the post a day prompts as much as possible to keep my writing up even when i don’t want to be emotionally vulnerable.

The healing process is an incredibly delicate thing to maneuver.  This is particularly true for someone who has the patience of a gnat.  And sometimes the process doesn’t totally make sense.  And it hurts more than one can show.  i appear much stronger than i feel most of the time.  i hide the rest of the time so that i have the strength and courage to be strong when i have to be.  Sometimes even then i fail.  That space between strength and vulnerable is ultimately where i hope to land.

Today i grieve.  Sometimes grieving the loss of someone who is still living cuts even deeper than the loss of someone who has gone to the other side.  There’s less closure.  Except to know that God has a plan.  And it is good.