Unpacking Regret

The last several months have been insane.  Growth is a slow process.  Self-awareness can sometimes be a bitch.

This guy i dated my freshman year of high school taught me about not having regrets and moving forward.  Great advice.  It has served me well.  It helped me do for myself and not worry about the consequences for others when i was being taken advantage of.  But it also made me selfish.  It became easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission, so to speak.  And so i pretty much did whatever i wanted.  i cared less and less about what other people thought and i just tucked all of the wounds and hurts away.  i ignored the fact that i didn’t like the person i was becoming because then i would start to feel that guilt and that regret.  So i just moved on through my life as if nothing ever happened.  Ever.

i saw awful truths about myself and did things that today make me sick.  But life was too short to have regrets, so i just promised myself that i would never be that way again and “moved on”.  And then i’d do it again.  And the cycle would continue.

Today i’m in a much better, much different place.  i am not that same broken, selfish, scared person.

But all of those things that i just “moved on” from without regret?  Well, they didn’t ever really go away.  The other day i heard something that really struck a chord.  It was that we don’t just “get over” things, we just figure out where there place is so that they don’t interfere with who we are or where we are today.

So i have some stuff to unpack.  My luggage is spilling over, so to speak.  And i’m a walking contradiction.  Currently i want two things that are in complete contradiction to one another.   And i’m afraid.  i’m afraid that i wasted my life living without regret and now i’ve run out of time to have both of the things i want.

i am not looking forward to the pain of dealing with my past.  But i know that it is necessary.  Searching and fearless moral inventory, ready or not, here i come.


waiting in the cocoon.

I’m feeling incredibly antsy today.  There’s a paper that i should be writing, but i can’t seem to get the words out.  The outline has been done since Saturday, but i can’t seem to fill it in.  i’m finding myself more and more in worry-mode and less in peace and serenity mode.   So this morning as soon as i dropped little man off at school i located the nearest meeting and went.  It helped.  For a minute. i’ve recited the Serenity Prayer more times today than i thought possible.  i’ve meditated.  i’ve prayed.   I don’t know what’s going on!! Depression?  Anxiety? both?  it feels more like anxiety.  Whatever it is, it’s debilitating and i just want it to go away.  Every day is a struggle.  i’m maintaining a positive attitude and i’m not beating myself up over it.  i know that it’s temporary.  i’m chalking it up to the process of change.  i no longer want to react and respond the way the old  me did, but i don’t quite feel comfortable in the “new” me’s skin yet.  i’m still in my cocoon, but i can feel the changes and it is unpleasant — even though i know the outcome will be beautiful and amazing.  Continue reading “waiting in the cocoon.”